It does not matter what you succeed at. Just make sure you are successful and Nigerians will like you. You can be an armed robber; as long you are successful, you will be esteemed. You can be a drug pusher. Just make sure you are successful at it. Nobody cares how you make your money. All they want to know is that you have money. Go to that wedding and spray the bride in dollars and euros. Go to your village and build a villa there. Also sink a borehole, so people can come to your house to fetch water. Everybody will love you and sing your praises.
Nothing succeeds in Nigeria like success. Failure is not an option. If you fail, your parents will disown you. Your mother in-law will abuse you. Your wife will divorce you. Your fiance will give you back your engagement ring. Your children will change their surname. Your friends will delete your cell phone number. Your pastor will not even remember your name. So, you better not fail otherwise you will be dead, buried and forgotten. – “Hustle oh”!
Subsequently, if you want to be highly esteemed in Nigeria, you need to run for high office. Don’t waste time focusing on being a local government chairman. Don’t even consider being a congressman or a senator. Run for President! The fact that you don’t stand a chance does not matter. You will get all plaudits you need by the mere fact of running for the office. Declare your candidacy long before election, so you will have a long time to be interviewed on the radio, televisions and to have specials done about you in the newspapers. Enjoy the limelight! You can even tell people that Jesus Christ appeared to you in your dreams and declared you as the next president of the Federal Republic of Nigeria. Don’t be scared if the prophecy fails, this is Nigeria where people are more interested in the declaration of a prophesy than it’s failure.
See ehn, the fact that you ran for president of Nigeria, that will will become a permanent part of your C.V from then on, you will always be referred to as “ex – presidential candidate”. As “ex- presidential candidate” you become eligible to be a Minister of Agriculture. You also become an expert on everything. You will be invited regularly to “oraculate” on television about vital national issues. Anytime you wanna say something, preface it by saying: “In my experience as a former presidential candidate of this great country…” Then you can sponser some eggheads to write books in your name in which you talk about “My Vision For Nigeria”! Can I get a testifier ?
Welcome to Nigeria: where we have a lot of respect for them! Who? “Thieves”. Thieves are the men and women of the people. Thieves are deemed to be people of courage and strategic thinking. Call them great thinkers! In the nation of the poor, people are concerned that their kith and kin should be represented in the tabernacles of the looters. See, when u get access to the public funds, take my advice – don’t make the mistake of stealing millions naira. Steal billions! Remember, you might not get a second chance. It is turn by turn Nigeria limited (stock exchange). Steal billions then spend a few thousand sending five children in your community to school. In not time at all, you will become a superstar. Friends will donate their daughters for you to marry. Streets will be named after you long before you die. You will even be invited to sit on the high table at public functions. Display your wealth! Don’t buy a Mercedes Benz because every Tom, dick and harry now drives that. Drive cars that are outrageously expensive and unusual. Make sure they are bulletproof; not because anybody will shoot at you, because bulletproof cars are more highly regarded. Buy a Ferrari, a Lamborghini or an Aston Martin, let it be in a flashy colour. Then cruise every now and then in the Lagos traffic jam.
You can become a motivational preacher! – you can start your own church, give it a dynamic name like “God That Answers Yesterday” or “God of the Millionaire and Billionaires”. Don’t take too long being a pastor. Within a year or two, promote yourself to Bishop or Archbishop. Don’t allow anybody to disrespect you by calling you ” Mister”. You can tell to call you: “Call me Reverend”. Everyday, cram two or three big sounding words from the dictionary. Find ways to use them as you preach. Your accent is also important. Don’t speak English like an Ibadan man. Speak with the kind of phonetics that even your mother will wonder where you were born.
Remember this: the American accent is more difficult to understand than the British accent. Therefore, it is more impressive, you don’t have to go to the United States in order to talk like an American. Just study a few Hollywood films and start talking like Frank Sinatra. Keep your eye on the ball. Remember: the agenda is to be highly esteemed. So don’t bother preaching the gospel of the kingdom of God. Preach, instead the prosperity gospel. Tell your church members that the poor will become rich, the unmarried will get married, the barren will have children and the jobless will get jobs. Write books withe titles like: ” Your Best Life Now”. Give people seven strategies and five keys to instant wealth. Very soon, you will be flying your own airplane in order to go and preach in Badagry.
Note: If you try any of these methods and Nigerians still don’t like you, then you re a lost cause. There is only one option left for you. Pack Your load, buy a ticket and go to Ghana. You will not be missed.